Falling Leaves

On Sunday, I woke up feeling angry and sad. There's no other way to describe it: I just felt bad and mean. I've been majorly stressing out the last week (and into this week). After missing a week of work, I'm still massively behind on a lot of things. Our house is still not finished (we were originally supposed to be moving in by now!!) Property taxes are due. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming. I have freelance projects due every Saturday, on top of working full time. 

There is just so much going on, so much I'm waiting for happen, and so many things to being adult that seem to truly and completely suck the life out of me. So I woke up feeling angry, a bit sad, and a bit ready to blame whatever I could for my bad mood. 

I get bored really easily and when I feel poorly already, that boredom is a recipe for emotional disaster. Sunday morning I couldn't find anything to grab my attention and make me feel better: scrapbooking, writing, whatever -- nothing could distract me from feeling bad. Danny and I planned to go to a basketball game with my parents and as I started getting ready to go, I found myself feeling worse and worse... when I tried to pick out an outfit to wear, all the negative feelings came to a head. I finally found a place to focus all of my stressful energy and my bad feelings, and that place was myself. I found myself standing in the kitchen in my underwear, crying like a baby at being unable to pick out an outfit. 

Danny steered me back into the bedroom and helped me into bed, where I laid crying for at least 20 minutes. Sometimes life gives you little moments where you realize a lot of things at once.

Firstly, I realized, while sniffling my way through "I'm fat, I hate all my clothes, I'm tired of working so hard for nothing, I'm mad at myself!" at least twice, that I take out a lot of my anger and stress on myself. I blame my body for making me feel a specific way, but really, it's the other way around: I feel a specific way and that feeling makes me annoyed that my body doesn't look/act a specific way.

Secondly, I realized that I'm in control of my life and my body, and while external circumstances can impact us, ultimately, it's up to me to make myself happy, change my body, or change my life (or do all of those things). I have worked really hard to get fit in the last year. I work out regularly, I can run more than I have ever have in my life, and I recently graduated to 20-pound free weights. But I still allow myself to stress eat in a way that isn't healthy. Instead of writing about my feelings or talking about them or really feeling them, I eat them and make excuses for it. It's not healthy. The amount I obsess over my body and what I eat isn't healthy. I'm in control of this body and this life and what goes into it.

I got up, got dressed ("Just put something on," I told myself), and got ready to go watch a basketball game. I still wasn't happy. The problem with emotions is that they stick with you, no matter what, until you learn to move past them or you get over it. I wasn't over feeling bad quite yet.

The past few days, I have tried my hardest to stop beat myself up over little things. I tried to eat healthy and have lots of healthy snacks and not try to make myself feel as hungry as possible before eating something. I worked out in moderate amounts and lifted weights and did wall sits with my coworkers. I tried not to critique every little "error" I saw in the mirror. I tried to dress nice, in outfits I'd never worn before, to make myself feel better. I wore high heels. I wore eyeliner and perfume. And more than anything, when I find myself entering a spiral of stress and worrying, I try to stop it, because I know how it will always end: the blame will fall to my appearance, to making myself feel bad, and to eating a whole loaf of bread on my own.

Life requires a lot of patience and a lot of making mistakes, learning lessons, and learning how to make better choices. At 25, I'm still in the process of learning how to change myself for the better, how to undo all of my bad, learned habits, and how to establish new, positive patterns in my life.

The leaves are starting to fall from the trees; it's starting to get dark earlier in the evening and the sun is rising later in the morning; the air is cold and dry. Winter is approaching and Fall is leaving us. I'm hoping that everything I've felt and experienced in the past week is an indication that I'll be changing too.

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Thank you for reading my blog! :]
xo Michelle

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